When most couples make a commitment or take the vows of marriage, they become engaged in the process of transformation as they adjust, create or continue their individual identities and partnership. They get to know more about each other and enhance intimacy in all aspects of their lives. They focus their energies, emotional investments and time on each other.

This growth spurt in their relationship slows down with the arrival of a child. The attention then becomes divided between spouse and offspring. Eighty-three percent of respondents in a study considered this change a severe or an extreme crisis, even when the child was planned and the marriage was rated satisfactory.

In a good marriage, the birth of a child is only a temporary disruption. Children bring joy and enrichment to a couple, and the parents begin to discover other dimensions of their marriage as they witness how they carry out their new roles.

They share in the experience of protecting and nurturing the products of their union. As they jointly shoulder the task of raising their kids, they achieve a sense of deeper commitment and fulfillment. It is no wonder many describe what it's like to be a parent in ways like, "My child is the greatest thing that has happened to me," "nothing compares to holding your newborn child" and "we will do anything for our children."

While the presence of children enhances relationships, it can also be a factor for the dissolution of marriage. Children are often seen as the glue that binds couples together, but in some circumstances they can also be a factor in the weakening of affection and intimacy. Some couples are not able to withstand the rigors of parenting. The emotional and physical energy required by children can be burdensome. Some may release themselves from the responsibility.

A few marriage partners cannot tolerate the change in the dynamics of the relationship as a result of having another member in the family. Many stay together for the sake of the children, happily or not. Both groups are often those who had not solidified the foundation for a strong relationship prior to having a child.

For generations, it has been debated whether it is best to stay together to preserve an image of "family" even if couples are unhappy. 

A study indicates that among divorces involving children, a third are so quarrelsome that children are likely to benefit more from the divorce. Seventy percent are low-conflict marriages in which children would have been harmed less by the continuation of the marriage than by the impact of divorce. However, some research has concluded that living in an unhealthy family is just as traumatic as being in a broken home. The debate will certainly continue but what is generally accepted and confirmed is that a happy couple generates happy children.

Some people believe having a child improves marital contentment. Unfortunately, couples who have not made the needed adjustment are least likely to reap the benefits of parenthood. To increase the likelihood of successfully making it through the evolution of a couple to a family, partners must value and cherish each other first. The powerful bond becomes even greater as they work through the struggles and successes of family life, and enjoy their achievements.

"The most important advantage that can be given to children is a background of happily married parents," says Dr. Judson Landis, who is an author and a researcher on marriages. He reported in Building a Successful Marriage the results of a study that ranked factors contributing to the greatest happiness in children between the ages of 5 and 12. The number one factor identified by this research was the happiness of parents. An adage says the best mirror in the family is a child, whose functioning reflects the emotional atmosphere of the family. Repeatedly, experts have documented that marital dissatisfaction and conflict are involved with some of children's problems with depression, health, poor social/ academic skills and conduct disorders.

Making children a priority in the family has its own value. Of greater importance is the balance couples maintain so the partner's needs for love, pleasurable sexual experiences and a sense of safety are continually met. Some experts suggest that couples set aside their parental roles at regular intervals so husband and wife continue to be friends and lovers. After all, parenting is but a segment of the totality of marriage.

Two of the most common difficulties of modern couples are inadequate time and energy. Children require physical care and attention. Career demands can limit togetherness. All these can leave a couple too drained and exhausted to be able to give to each other. Consequently, the spousal relationship takes second priority, and the bond weakens. A spouse can feel neglected and hungry for the sole attention and affection that were there prior to the birth of their child. As the number of children increases, a husband and wife can certainly experience more interference and distraction in their relationship. The good news: couples can overcome these challenges with conscious, deliberate efforts.

Couples can replenish each other in so many ways. They can make it a habit to connect daily with each other beyond the concerns of family living. Even "silly" talks can be productive. A leisurely walk alone is a good energizer. Dining in or out, without the children, can feed the hunger for a romantic evening. A day or a weekend get-away removes the frazzles of a hectic week. Sharing a leisure activity or a hobby can fill the gaps for fun together. A listening ear is guaranteed to be helpful. A daily dose of gestures of affection, as simple as a genuine hug or a kiss, can invigorate tired emotions.

Being reminded that each one can feel overwhelmed at times, and making an effort to be sensitive and empathetic, will strengthen the emotional closeness between parents. If a couple continues to feel the marriage is strained, seeing a therapist is recommended.

By balancing the parental and couple roles and securing the partnership with enduring love and commitment, parents can pave the way to their children's happiness. Down the road to retirement, when husbands and wives are by themselves, they will continue to be fulfilled long after their children have left home.