Approximately 30 million children under the age of 13 are living in blended families. It is perhaps comforting that there are many other parents in blended families, but sad that so many children are not living with both their mother and father. All couples raising children find delight in their kids but also struggle with the trials and tribulations of worrying about their well-being.

Being in a blended family can be a pleasant experience, but it is amazing how complicated the circumstances can be. The therapists at Baptist East have the opportunity to encounter a number of these families. In talking to these families, friends, family members and acquaintances about how this works for them, it becomes apparent that each of these families has its own unique characteristics. The key to success is somehow finding the skills and tools to embrace and accept the uniqueness and develop something that can be very special.

Dealing with loss

Blended families are families born out of losses. There has either been a divorce, death or separation that preempted the new family. One must acknowledge this loss for all family members and keep in mind that all members of a family may deal with that loss in different ways. For adults, it may be the loss of the dream of being a couple that "lived happily ever after." For a child, it may be the loss of not seeing a parent as frequently or a move from a familiar neighborhood. Just because one person may be "over it" doesn't mean that another may not have strong feelings regarding the losses. It is important as parents that we allow our children to have their feelings about the loss and not judge them or their feelings.

Accept where the children are in the process of dealing with the loss and allow them to express those feelings in a safe and loving environment. Sometimes it may mean just sitting with them and letting them have their tears without telling them to "stop," "be a tough boy/girl" or "don't cry."

Likewise, adults need to realize that we will have strong feelings about our losses, and our spouse/significant other will, too. When we are at different places in our grief, it is sometimes difficult to understand where others are coming from. This is why it is so important to talk and really communicate these feelings with each other. The stages of grief are worked out over time, so it is important that we allow one another that time.

Children who have experienced these losses will likely go through cycles of processing their grief that coincide with their developmental stages. An 11-year-old boy will have a new level of understanding about what divorce feels like compared to his feelings about the divorce at age 3. He may need to process those feelings using new language to move on in his emotional development. Most children will express their feelings behaviorally, so it is important to look for what may be behind the behavior and give the child healthy avenues of expression.

Communication is key

Because there are so many different types of blended families and dynamics beyond the scope of this article, suffice it to say that tolerance of atypical family situations is important. (Remember, the numbers suggest you are not as different from your neighbor as you might think.) The adults in each family will need to communicate constantly about expectations and frequently compare that with what reality will allow. For instance, you may have the fantasy of having your children with you for every holiday but legal settlements or other agreements may prevent that from happening.

Just as these differences in expectations may cause stress and anxiety in a new family, differences between you and your ex-spouse can also be a source of conflict. Unfortunately, some parents wind up back in court due to these differences.

Therefore, communication about expectations with your new spouse and ex-spouse is critical. Children need to know what to expect, also, for a greater sense of security.

For example, they need to know what days they will be with each parent, what will happen over holidays and who will be coming to what activities. The more consistent the day-to-day routine and the smoother the interaction between their parents, the calmer and more adjusted the kids will be. If parents live out of town, it is important that they maintain regular contact with their children on a regular basis. Scheduled phone calls, regular letters or consistent visiting patterns can go a long way in nurturing long distance relationships.

Being part of a blended family can be challenging and rewarding. It helps to talk with others in similar situations and seek out those in your life who will be supportive of what you are trying to accomplish. Acknowledge your differences from other families but don't separate yourself from others because of those differences. When you become a vital part of your community, you expand the degree of support available to you and your family. Support from school, church, community, friends and family can be an extension of the values you are trying to instill in your children.

If things become too overwhelming for any member of your household, be open to seeking professional help. Sometimes it is easier to talk with someone who is not so emotionally involved in the situation and can be objective. Call Baptist East's Center for Behavioral Health® at 896-7105 or toll-free 1-800-467-8138 for more information about counseling services.

Tips for managing blended families

1. Take care of yourself and your marriage. The healthier you are and the healthier your marriage, the healthier the whole family system will be. It is hard to balance all the needs, so set some clear priorities.
   
2. Communicate your expectations calmly and clearly with all involved adults. Express your concerns and wishes directly in hopes that you might be heard, but knowing you will not always get your way. If the situation is too volatile for words, then put it in writing.
   
3. Don't badmouth an ex-spouse or other family members in front of your children. It will only lead to anxiety for your children and may lead to resentment toward you by the children. Children need to feel it is all right to love both parents and step-parents without making anyone unhappy. It is a positive sign if your children can have a healthy relationship with the adults in both families.
   
4. Acknowledge your own feelings and find appropriate ways of expression. If you're not sure what is appropriate, read books, talk with others or seek professional help.
   
5. As a step-parent, go slowly but try to develop a caring relationship with your step-children. Emphasize their positive qualities. Let the other parent be the disciplinarian.
   
6. Discuss with all children in the household the rules, privileges, expectations and consequences. The same should apply to all the children, in general, noting there will be differences according to age appropriateness.
   
7. As a new family, establish new traditions around holidays, birthdays and special occasions that can be looked forward to year after year.
   
8. Parents should keep one another informed of all significant matters involving the children such as illnesses, school progress, extracurricular activities, etc. To purposefully withhold this information, in most situations, is cruel and will only result in ongoing tension and chaos for all.
   
9. Just as siblings will have conflicts and jealousies, so will step-siblings. Try to avoid forcing positive relationships between step-siblings but do give them opportunities to share similarities. Appreciate each child's personality and see the strengths they each bring to the family. Try to spend individual time with each child when possible.
   
10. Laugh often. Humor is a great stress reliever.

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