Generally, people like to do things they're good at. Most parents feel pretty good about raising babies and elementary school-aged kids. It's a simple, straight-forward relationship -- the parent is the parent and the child is the child. The child is supposed to do what the parent says, and the parent is supposed to meet the child's needs.

However, parenting is a long-term job. There comes a day in all parents' lives when they look up to find themselves eye-to-eye with their little tykes. The same child who would have been terribly upset if you had missed the fifth grade class play is now mortified at the possibility of being seen with you at the grocery store. The child who couldn't wait to tell you what happened at soccer practice now answers all queries in monosyllables.

Many parents of teens feel confused and even disillusioned about their parenting roles. But it is possible to enjoy parenting your teen if you follow these simple rules.

Have realistic expectations

Remember that adolescence is difficult. You child is busy trying to find out who she is and what she wants out of life. It's OK to encourage your teen to participate in activities such as clubs, sports, music and church. But be careful that you aren't trying to re-live your own youth through your teen. Let him explore his own interests ... not yours.

Encourage independence

Although this may be difficult to do, it is very important to let your teen try new things and discover things on his own. Teens need a chance to fail. People often learn more from failure that they do from success.

Set rules together

Rules are very important to teens. Studies show that teens without clear limits or rules tend to "run wild." Limits can promote a sense of security -- like the net beneath the tightrope. By setting guidelines, you are showing your teen you care.

Involve your teen with setting the rules for acceptable behavior. Though you have the final say on these decisions, allowing your teen to share his ideas will not only make him feel included and important, but also more likely follow them. When making rules for your teen, remember to:

• Be very clear.
• Write down rules and limits.
• Make rules less restrictive over time, as your teen demonstrates increasing responsibility.

Discipline to teach, not to punish

Part of being a normal teen is testing limits. Consequences should be an integral part of the rule making process, so your teen knows what to expect when she breaks the rules. When you talk with your teen about violations of family rules, make sure you:

• Express your disapproval.
• State your expectations.
• Show your teen how to make amends.
• Allow your teen to experience the consequences of her behavior.

Keep lines of communication open

Communication is the single most important factor in effective parenting. Always keep the lines of communication open with your teen. These lines may be strained at times due to conflict, but make sure they are mended. Ways to encourage open communication include:

• Explain your feelings and beliefs clearly.
• Be objective.
• Always show respect for each other's point of view.
• Have self-discipline.
• Tackle every problem with a positive attitude.
• Be a good listener.

Learn to control stress

Stress is something that goes hand in hand with being a parent. The demands of career, children and personal needs often conflict. Finances may be a problem, especially in families where teens are college bound. Trying to live up to television's model of the perfect family is an impossible task.

Prolonged parental stress damages families by straining relationships, causing depression and illness and, in extreme cases, leading to physical and emotional abuse. You can help control the stress in your life by:

• Evaluating, recognizing and expressing your feelings.
• Being patient with yourself and your children.
• Finding the source of your stress.
• Not constantly questioning your parenting skills.
• Having interests outside your home and family.
• Learning more about parenting.
• Sharing your experiences with others.
• Living a healthy lifestyle (exercise, diet, rest, etc.).
• Getting help when needed.

One of the most important things you can do as a parent is have a life of your own. Take time for yourself to do the things you enjoy doing. If you are a happy person, chances are you will be a happy parent, too.

Baptist Hospital East offers family counseling at the hospital as well as at Baptist Hospital Northeast in La Grange. For more information, call the Center for Behavioral Health® at (502) 896-7105 or toll-free 1-800-478-1105. Help is available 24 hours a day.