What is a good marriage? Are marriages like objects we can hold up to each other and compare in some way? Can we quantify them on some sort of mathematical scale? Or is marriage more a living, breathing entity which cannot be assessed except by those who are in it?

In her book The Good Marriage, author and psychologist Judith Wallerstein and co-author Sandra Blakeslee go about the task of identifying and presenting ingredients of a good marriage. This was a monumental task to say the least, rather like trying to catch a rainbow. However, these two authors are able to present and describe information gleaned from Dr. Wallerstein's more than two years of data gathering among 50 couples who identified themselves as having good marriages. In so doing, she is able to at least describe some of the colors of that elusive rainbow.

On the surface, one might presume that a good marriage is one which has no -- or very little -- conflict. One might also assume that problems such as infidelity, financial failure, extraordinary child rearing problems or extended family stress don't exist in good marriages. On the contrary, it seems that good marriages do experience the same types of stress as other marriages. Lack of stress in a marriage is not an adequate predictor of a marriage's quality. It has more to do with how the couple deals with the stress and its perceived impact on their relationship.

Wallerstein and Blakeslee write, "Happy marriages are not carefree. There are good times and bad times, and certainly partners may face serious crises together or separately. Happily married husbands and wives get depressed, fight, lose jobs, struggle with the demands of the workplace and the crises of infants and teen-agers, and confront sexual problems. They cry and tell and get frustrated. They come from sad, abusive, neglectful backgrounds as well as from more stable families; all marriages are haunted by ghosts from the past."

What seems to separate happy marriages from not-so-happy ones is the conviction that the marriage will last. The language of conviction and commitment is composed of words like "safety," "comfort," "love" and "respect." Good marriages also seem to emphasize the importance of meeting the other's needs, as well as having one's own needs met. There is shared value regarding the relationship. It is important, respected, nurtured. In very simple terms, there is giving and getting in these marriages.

Most of us are familiar with the biblical concept of oneness in marriage. In the book of Genesis, we find that marriage was God's first social contract with man. The Bible states that in marriage we are to forsake our parents and cleave one unto the other. The operant word cleave actually means "join together." The concept of becoming one with someone is simultaneously attractive and repulsive. The idea of becoming spiritually connected with the object of our desires may seem a dreamy, heady, intoxicating proposition. Likewise, it could also seem stifling, constricting and co-dependent.

Let's take a closer look at this idea of oneness in marriage. Does it mean one always has to agree with the other, or acquiesce to the other's desires? Does there always have to be a giver and a taker in order to achieve oneness?

The answer is no. Oneness is not about being absorbed into the other or losing one's identity. It has more to do with two individuals coming together unto one purpose. The late Joseph Campbell explained this concept beautifully in his series on mythology with journalist Bill Moyers. He describes "relationship" as the ability of two individuals to look into a mirror together and see one entity of their own creation. Therefore, the idea of oneness actually necessitates two to be achieved. Individuals in good marriages seem to understand this.

The terms good and successful marriage are not interchangeable. A successful marriage may have longevity, but that longevity may be the result of fear, insecurity or convenience. Some psychologists describe these marriages as parallel since, much as two parallel lines never intersect, there is no emotional intersection in the parallel marriage.

Good marriages have many intimate, emotional intersections. They transcend convenience and sometimes logic. There is a mutual desire to be together, because the marriage provides sustenance. Some couples describe it as nurturing of the spirit which is not comparable to any other relationship. There is a sense of grounding. Each partner can venture out, knowing that their mate is a touchstone. There is bonding, attachment and trust. There is intimacy and a sense of deeply knowing each other. In his book, The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm writes that the "deepest need in man is the need to overcome his separateness." The good marriage provides the most powerful relationship in which this need can be met.

For information about couples counseling, call the Center for Behavioral Health® at Baptist Hospital East at (502) 896-7105 or toll-free
1-800-478-1105. Help is available 24 hours a day.

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