Most of us would agree that constantly feeling sorry for oneself is not fruitful. However, after a relationship has split up, we begin to grieve as surely as if a love one had died. The love we felt really did "die." Surprised at the intensity of our feelings, we worry about future relationships.

We grieve even after the end of an unstable, unhealthy marriage. We grieve for what might have been. There is a void in our lives -- an empty place where a person and a whole pattern of living used to be.

Mourning a lost love is perfectly normal, and we can take solace in knowing that others grieve as well. -- Sefra Kobria Pitzele

On the scale of life's stresses, divorce ranks at the top of the list. It is one of the most extreme changes that can occur in a person's life. On their wedding day, people commit themselves to one another for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately, in many cases, that commitment is cut short. There are many reasons why. Personal goals and interests can change over time. Conflict may become the only thing a couple has in common. There may be physical or emotional abuse or infidelity.

Whatever the reason, ending a marriage is a very painful experience. Divorce is a process of dealing with loss. Just as it takes time to heal from the death of a family member or a close friend, it takes time to heal from the loss of a love.

Stages of divorce
Initially, divorce causes feelings of shock and severe loss. Denial is common. Though the papers have been signed and both parties are on their own, there is still a sense of attachment to the former spouse. Old patterns and daily routines remain unchanged.

When the reality of the situation finally hits home, the emotional floodgates open. It's common for the newly-divorced to withdraw socially to focus on grappling with their pain. The relationship which provided much of the structure of day-to-day life is gone, and nothing has yet developed to replace it.

During this stage, feelings of apathy, helplessness and depression are common. Weekends, without the responsibility of work or child care, may be especially difficult. Holidays can be a nightmare. Although this stage is distressing, it marks the beginning of the grieving process and is necessary for healing to occur.

The final stage of the healing process is marked by a renewed interest in life and much less preoccupation with the former partner. The divorced person begins to feel better, much like recovering from an illness. Friendships and acquaintances are pursued with renewed vigor. Eventually, romantic bonds with a new partner may develop as well.

Coping
The breakup of a marriage -- even an unhappy one -- affects a person's sense of identity. Frustration, confusion and sadness are inevitable. However, there are ways to ease the pain and cope more effectively:

• Go slow. Professionals suggest that it can take up to two years to heal after a divorce.
• Watch yourself for the "rebound syndrome."  Be realistic about new relationships. The automatic reaction to a troubled marriage is to find somebody new. However, jumping blindly into a new relationship could add to your problems in the long run, since most fail within a short period of time.
• Seek support. Support can come from many sources, both formal and informal. Informal support comes from family and friends. These are people who can accept your strong feelings and listen without judgment. Formal support may be needed if you can't seem to get over your feelings of bitterness, hostility or depression. Counselors, pastors and psychiatrists are available to offer professional guidance.
• Don't isolate. When you're feeling hurt, it's natural to withdraw. But this is the time when you need to pursue enjoyable activities the most.
• Develop a new routine. Don't cling to your old, "married" habits. Your lifestyle has probably changed, so your daily routine should change, too.
• Don't add stressors. Divorce is difficult enough by itself. Don't compound your problems by making more changes to your life and adding more stress. Although you may have no choice about some changes, such as moving, others, such as a major career change, can be avoided.
• Remember that healing hurts. Anger, fear, sadness and loneliness are part of the healing process. Give yourself permission to feel the pain. Healing is a process. You can't get through it without experiencing all its stages. Eventually, you'll feel better.
  
  Watch out for depression. Feelings of sadness are normal. However, if the sadness becomes so deep that life doesn't feel worth living, you need outside help. You may be suffering from depression. Some of the signs that will let you know if you are suffering more than just normal sadness include: substantial increase or decrease in weight, feelings of helplessness, feelings of hopelessness, sleeplessness or sleeping all the time, feelings of extreme discontent.

If you are experiencing these symptoms, get some help from a professional. The Center for Behavioral Health® at Baptist Hospital East can help. Call (502) 896-7105 or toll-free 1-800-467-8138. Help is available 24 hours a day.

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