It takes more patience, maturity and flexibility to be a successful step-parent than it takes to be a natural parent. Here are some tips to getting a step-parenting relationship off to a good start:

• Don't expect too much from your step-children too soon. Allow your relationship to develop gradually. Children need time to adjust and accept change in their lives.
• Let the children decide what to call you. They may feel more comfortable calling you "uncle" or "aunt" or your given name than they would feel calling you "mom" or "dad."
• Custodial parents, non-custodial parents and step-parents should agree to a common set of rules for children, such as appropriate bedtimes, activities, punishments, rewards and responsibilities. This common set of rules discourages "weekend" parents from competing with custodial parents for the children's favor.
• Accept children's loyalty to the absent parent. It is possible for children to have good relationships with both step-parents and natural parents.
• Expect that, at times, you will feel unappreciated and used. Just remember that natural parents often feel the same way. Children go through developmental phases which can be irritating and seem inappropriate, especially to a step-parent who is unfamiliar with or has forgotten the normal stages of childhood. When a step-parent comes on the scene during a stressful time developmentally, he or she may accept blame or blame other step-family members for behaviors which are really typical and healthy.
• Be prepared to earn your right to the parent role. Children will test, challenge and attempt to manipulate you. They will also compare you to the absent parent. Recognize, too, that your role may be different with each individual child. Younger children may be more willing to accept you in a full parenting role, while older children may view you more as a friend.
• Treat your step-children and your own children with equal fairness. Do not show favoritism.
• Make sure you have the support of your spouse. Otherwise, your place in the home and your role as a step-parent will be undermined.
• If you continue to have problems, despite your best efforts, seek professional counseling.

The Center for Behavioral Health® at Baptist Hospital East offers family counseling services in St. Matthews and La Grange. For more information or to schedule an appointment, call (502) 896-7105 or toll-free 1-800-478-1105. Help is available 24 hours a day.

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