Many people mistakenly believe that discipline is the magic key to transforming the most obnoxious, out-of-control brat into a socially-responsible, self-sufficient and independent adult by age 18. The flip side of the equation is also clear. Children who do not receive adequate discipline during their formative years may make the transition into adulthood more difficult.

The act of disciplining has been imbued with such mystical power that its original purpose is often lost. And that purpose is to:

• Encourage appropriate behavior
• Instill lifelong self-control and self-reliance
• Teach children the coping skills they will need to deal with major problems.

Parental discipline is the key to the way a child will behave. It is an ongoing process that must begin in early life, involves changes and continues into adulthood.

Discipline through the ages

Staying ahead of a baby isn't too difficult for a mature adult. That's why God in His infinite wisdom starts parents out with infants rather than teens. Misbehavior at the baby stage is usually caused by someone (baby OR parent) being overly tired, hungry or sick. Before the age of mobility, discipline is unnecessary, because the baby doesn't go anywhere or do anything ... yet!

As the baby grows and learns to crawl and walk, discipline becomes a matter of protection. Parents need a third eye to keep little ones out of harm's way and the immediate environment from being taken apart at the seams in the name of exploration. At this stage, it's easier to childproof the surroundings than to undertake complicated educational disciplinary measures. Misbehavior in the preschool years usually comes from one of two sources: boundaries that are not known, clear or understood; or negative feelings (such as jealousy, anger or fear) that are experienced but uncontrolled.

Send-mother-over-the-edge behavior is not usually seen in children until they go to school. As the child broadens in worldly knowledge and peers, creativity is discovered, developed into a fine art and shared, causing the number of misbehaviors to increase exponentially. It is at this stage that parents often feel the need to look outside for support and assistance.

Discipline mistakes

The disheartening news is that there are more ways to mess up the act of disciplining than there are ways for children to misbehave. Some of the most common disciplining mistakes are:

• Inconsistency in any and every thing
• Limit-setting by guilt
• Inflexibility OR over-permissiveness OR both

Fortunately for parents, children are tough-skinned and resilient.

During the teen years, parenting can be a war zone. Nine of the most troublesome teen-age problems, by a book of the same name, are:

• Responsibility -- the taking or not taking of
• Angry emotions and their expression
• Lying
• Boredom
• Dislike of school/wasting potential
• Silence and broken communication
• Popularity (as a reflection of the parents)
• Bad influences
• Sex

The ability to discipline effectively hinges on an understanding of the child's needs and flexibility. Ideally, discipline should be used to foster and encourage the child's ability to self-direct, learn how to make decisions, and live with the consequences. It should not be, "Do as I say, because I am the parent and you owe me your obedience."

Getting results

The key to getting preferred behaviors is to reward the behaviors you want to see and discourage unwanted behaviors. As with most parenting endeavors, consistency is crucial. This is not the time to be flexible. Which behaviors fall into which category (preferred or unwanted) should not be subject to the mood of the moment.

Below are tips on how to discipline effectively. As you put these into use, think about situations where you felt most injured or unfairly treated during your own childhood and remember the behaviors which resulted. We all tend to parent the way we were parented.

How to discipline effectively: The lost commandments

• Give lots of love through hugs, kisses, smiles and praise.
• Listen carefully and set aside special listening time.
• Understand your child and his/her needs. For example, small children need to know that parents are nearby. Teens need space, privacy and time away with friends, but should feel that the parent is trusted and always available.
• Set realistic limits. Make sure boundaries are clear by explaining, discussing and repeating them often enough, until your child develops self-discipline. Kids tend to test and forget. Enforce limits firmly and fairly. The whole family needs limits in the following areas:
• • Time (bedtime, curfew)
  • Boundaries (you may go here, but not there)
  • Behavior (acceptable vs. unacceptable).
• Give lots of praise as rewards. For young children, smiles, hugs, kisses and thank-you's are effective. For older children, use praise and special privileges. Material things should be used sparingly.
• Promote independence by encouraging involvement in family decisions. As children mature, increase their input into decisions affecting them.
• Discuss emotions. Teach children to analyze feelings so they grow up knowing what's going on inside and why they have certain feelings. Knowing these feelings are normal decreases fear.
• Promote responsibility by assigning chores to everyone. Discuss what needs to be done, assign jobs and rotate them. Set time limits for completion and check to make sure the chores are done. Praise what's done right and ignore what's done wrong.
• Set a good example by controlling your own emotions. Children learn by watching.
• Treat your children with the same courtesy you'd extend to your friends.
• Make contracts with older children to get a change in their behavior. Discuss the contracts, choose rewards and consequences together and record successes.
• If and when property damage occurs, expect the child to pay for it with his/her own money and to make a personal apology.
• Make sure scoldings are given in private. Keep scolding short and on the mark. Don't make empty threats. Be ready to act on your words. And don't overuse scolding. Children react by closing their ears when scolded too often.
• Remove privileges as punishment, i.e. no telephone, bike riding, video games, being with friends, etc. Make sure your child understands the reason why the privilege was removed. Explain what is going to happen, why it is happening and for how long it will happen.
• Grounding is isolation from activities to allow time to think things over. Let the time fit the crime.
• Ask for professional help, if needed.
• Be prompt with expressing displeasure. Children, like puppies, will connect deeds to consequences if the two occur closely together.
• Label behaviors, not the child.

Baptist Hospital East offers family counseling at the hospital as well as at Baptist Hospital Northeast in La Grange. For more information, call the Center for Behavioral Health® at (502) 896-7105 or toll-free 1-800-478-1105. Help is available 24 hours a day.

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